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Sunday, February 22, 2004

Yankees to Feature Most Devastating Line-up of Metrosexuals in MLB History 

The Yankees' acquisition of Alex Rodriguez created a whirlwind of information, analysis and commentary. From the redundant, obvious reporting embarked upon in the mainstream media to the more cutting edge commentary found in the blogging community, within days we knew everything that could possibly be known about A-Rod, Derek Jeter, Alfonso Soriano and the Yankees. Much of the commentary focused on the new-look Yankee line-up. Some speculated that the 2004 Yankees might challenge the 1931 Yankee record of 1,067 runs scored in a season. We are on A-Rod O-verload at this point. Everything that could be said about this historic trade has been. Or has it? Today the Hot Corner dives into the most critical, overlooked aspect of this trade. In all the hoopla, no one noticed that the acquisition of Alex Rodriguez establishes the New York Yankees as the most metrosexual team in the history of Major League Baseball.

If you have been living in a bubble the last year or so, let me clue you in on what a metrosexual is. A metrosexual is a straight, narcissistic man preoccupied with self grooming, style and culture. Basically, metrosexuals are straight men who appear gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Perhaps you're a metrosexual and do not know it. When you step up to a bar are you tempted to order a glass of Merlot instead of a beer? Do you find yourself applying copious amounts of hair product in the morning? Now that we are squared away with what a metrosexual is, let's introduce the new look, A-Rodolicious, New York Metroyankuals.

The most unassuming metrosexual on the Yankees is their rough and tumble catcher, Jorge Posada. Posada came up with the Yankees in 1995 and has been fighting the organizational metrosexual philosophy ever since. While teammates say Posada is making great strides in coming out of the closet, he has not fully embraced the metrosexual lifestyle. However, Posada plans on supporting his teammates in an upcoming metrosexual pride parade.

Perhaps the next Yankee one would think is not a candidate for metrosexuality is Japanese import Hideki Matsui. Despite an initial confusion of "metro-cool" with "pimp-funk," Matsui has made solid progress since joining the Yankees last year. In fact, sources close to the team say that Matsui has ditched his old nick-name "Godzilla" and now prefers to go by "Metrozilla."



Yankees' brass was said to have reservations about acquiring right fielding slugger Gary Sheffield over fears that he would not adapt to "the Yankee way." In fact, an unnamed source familiar with the Sheffield contract negotiations states that the major stumbling block in the months long Steinbrenner/Sheffield negotiation this winter was the degree of metrosexuality Sheffield would exhibit while playing for the Yankees. An impasse was avoided when the two camps finally agreed first, that Sheffield's "ice" would count toward his metrosexuality quota and second, an incentive clause in the contract was agreed upon whereby Sheffield would be required to have his legs waxed every 25 strike outs. Yankee brass was said to be pleased with Sheffield's attire at his signing press conference.



Bernie Williams is said to be the spiritual backbone of the Metroyankuals. Williams was named one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People in 2002. "When I was named one of the 50 Most Beautiful People" Williams said, "I knew I had really made it. . . The World Series rings are nice, but this recognized all the hard work I put into my appearance." Williams' accomplishment is said to have created a good deal of clubhouse friction, as Derek Jeter is a past two time winner and according to sources familiar with the Yankees, was extremely jealous. Williams detailed his long hard struggle with metrosexuality: "As a kid growing up I was really into heavy metal and took up the guitar." Williams continued, "when I got to the Yankees, I knew that just wouldn't fly here, so I converted to classical guitar because that's much more in sync with 'the Yankee way.'" Williams concluded, "speaking of NSYNC, you guys hear JT's new album - it's off the chain!"



The transformation the Yankees are most proud of, however, is that of first basemen Jason Giambi. Giambi began his career in Oakland where the metrosexual lifestyle takes a back seat to the gay lifestyle. "I just couldn't express my metrosexuality without someone saying I was trying to be gay," said Giambi. So like many Bay Area men, Giambi rebelled and went with the tree hugger, scrub look. But once in NY Giambi embraced the metrosexual lifestyle and is now a leader in the clubhouse when it comes to metro matters.



The Yankees offseason acquisition that they believe launches them into the metrosexual stratosphere is the trade that brought them Alex Rodriguez. The acquisition of Alex Rodriguez makes the Yankees' metrosexual line-up truly devastating. However, the A-Rod trade comes with some controversy. A-Rod, a perennial inclusion on ESPN's list of sexiest athletes, is the only baseball player on the plant that could challenge Derek Jeter's degree of metrosexuality. A-Rod attempted to preempt any conflict, saying, "This is Derek's metrosexual team." George Steinbrenner, Brian Cashman, and Joe Torre are said to have spoken with Jeter before the trade to quell any fears he might of had about anyone challenging his metrosexuality. "Jete's" our metro" Torre said. Responding to claims that when looking at some of the more advanced statistics, A-Rod is actually the better metrosexual, Torre said "I don't care what the stats show, Jeter is our metrosexual leader. He brings a certain intangible . . . a certain, how do you say, j'nicest quo." While A-Rod publicly concedes that the Yankees are Jeter's team, some say A-Rod is secretly planning a metrosexual coup d'etat. Upstaging Jeter at his unveiling press conference with a stunning silk pinstriped tie, which matched perfectly with the Yankee uniform, many say was a subtle shot across Jeter's metrosexual bow.



The Clydesdale of the Yankees stable of metrosexuals is none other than the Captain of Cool, Derek Jeter. Jeter is the metrosexual glue that binds this merry band of metrosexuals together. "This is the year we reclaim our title as the Masters of Metrosexuality" said Jeter. "Last year we felt the Marlins, with their cute teal unis and all that pitching and catching kissing really tried to upstage us." Responding to claims that A-Rod is the better metrosexual and that he should step down as metro captain for the good of the team, Jeter said, "Listen, I'll take my two People's 50 Most Beautiful People awards to his MVPs and Gold Gloves any day - I'm the metro captain of this team."

While the Yankees have indeed put together an impressive collection of metrosexuals, questions still remain, namely, what metrosexual will they get to play second base? In a recent and shocking development, the Yankees have taken a page out of the NY Mets play book and invited five players to spring training to compete for the second base position. Which of these Fab Five ends up with the job is anyone's guess.


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